So, I'm going to be a dad... sometime around October 7th, 2010. Hopefully, Kim can keep it in for an extra couple of days and we can shoot for 10/10/10. Not going out of the way for it, but... hey... if we can manage it, that'd be wicked cool.
I've been reading the Complete Idiot's Guide to Fatherhood because, well, I need it. And it's described an emotion that I've been feeling quite frequently ever since I found out that my life was headed in another direction in 9 months. Nearly all fathers, with the exception of the most heroic and sacrificial fathers, have felt this same emotion, and it is summed up with a word that needs all 4 syllables in order to fully describe it... Ambivalence. Dictionary.com defines Ambivalence as "the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions". Wow, ain't that the truth.
For most women, the positive feelings absolutely overwhelm the negative feelings, but I think for me... since I don't know what it means to be a Dad... really KNOW what it means, my negative feelings are outnumbering the positive. Is that horrible? On top of that, I get to feel guilty about that because the world tells me that having children is friggin' awesome... and I get that. I've watched teens grow and discover new things and really blossom, but I haven't experienced fatherhood yet, and I DON'T GET IT.
Popular legitimate negative feelings are fear of knowing what to do, fear of the unknown, worrying about if everything's going to be ok... but I'm getting other negative feelings... the book mentions them also, but I wonder if they really are legitimate because they still stinkin make me feel guilty for having them. They usually go along the lines of... "well, hell, there goes my chances of [insert lifetime plans here]". Opening my own bubble tea shop... well, that's not happening anymore... start my own company?... yea, right... maybe in a couple of decades when the kids are out of college... get into real estate investing?... sorry, that money's earmarked for something else. Wow, this is such selfish stuff!... so here comes the guilt again. "Hey man, haven't seen you in like... 45 seconds".
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Congratulations! and the ambivalence thing is totally normal. everything in life comes with positives and negatives, and it's easiest to see the negatives now since the positives aren't material yet. and it's true parents give up a lot, but supposedly it's worth it :)
ReplyDelete